Snape Wants to Kill Himself
by glasssnake
Summary: Sitting alone in the Gryffindor common room, Hermione Granger recieves a most unusual letter from Professor Severus Snape. A sort of parody containing implied slash.


This is a sort of parody of fics that use attempted suicide to get two characters into bed with each other. 

Many thanks to my lovely betas! 

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Snape Wants to Kill Himself  
  
Hermione Granger sat alone in the common room writing an essay for Professor McGonagall. She was alone because everyone else in Gryffindor had decided to go to bed unusually early that night. Suddenly, she heard a tapping at the window. She went over, opened it and a black owl flew in, carrying a letter.  
  
Hermione relieved the bird of its letter, deciding that it was probably bad news, since black owls had an unnerving tendency to be used for bearing sad tidings. The letter in question had a very interesting seal. It was green with a flask and snake in front of a large letter S.  
  
"Hmmm. I wonder who sent this," Hermione mused to the world at large. She opened the letter and read:  
  
_Dear Miss Hermione Granger,  
  
I have decided that I am fed up with life and I am also feeling incredibly guilty about various things that I'm not going to tell you about. Therefore I have decided to kill myself. I am writing this to tell you that you always were the best student in Potions. Don't try and stop me. I will be very grumpy if you try and stop me from putting an end to it all by throwing myself from the Astronomy tower at ten o'clock tonight.  
  
Yours, Professor Snape  
_  
Hermione looked at her watch, and was horrified to notice that it was quarter to ten already. She rushed out of the common room, along several corridors, and up to the Astronomy tower. She flew up the winding staircase and burst out of the door at the top. Suddenly from nowhere someone leapt up and flung themselves at her yelling,  
  
"No Severus, don't do it! There's still loads to live for, isn't there?"  
  
"P-Professor Lupin?" sputtered Hermione, "What are you doing up here at this time of night?"  
  
"Oh, sorry Hermione. I thought you were someone else. I was waiting for Professor Snape. I think he's going to try to kill himself by throwing himself off the Astronomy tower at ten o'clock. What are you doing up here?"  
  
"Same reason you are. And it's not fair, I'm the one who's going to save Professor Snape and develop a beautiful student-teacher relationship with him in less then ten minutes. You're going to mess everything up!"  
  
"What! I'm supposed to save him, forgive him for years of prejudice and malice towards me, and then be forgiven myself for not helping him while he was at Hogwarts. Miss Granger, you are the one who is going to spoil everything!"  
  
"Can't you go save someone else? I mean, loads of people might need saving."  
  
"Can't you do that yourself? I'm sure Draco Malfoy might need saving. He's probably struggling with his love for you, his father's pure-blood values, and his impending future as a Death Eater as we speak. You could go save him and develop a beautiful relationship with him, instead of trying to save Snape."  
  
"But Professor Snape sent me a letter. He wants me to save him more then he wants you to!"  
  
"Sorry to disappoint you, but he sent me a letter too. And I bet you don't know why he wants to commit suicide."  
  
"Actually I do. He's tired of life, and he's feeling guilty about something."  
  
"But you don't know what he's feeling guilty about, do you?"  
  
"I doubt you really know either. You can only tell someone your guilty secrets that made you want to kill yourself if they save you. It's part of the save-someone-and-develop-a-relationship package."  
  
They both glared at each other when they heard footsteps echoing up the stairs in the tower. Hermione and Lupin exchanged meaningful glances at each other, and moved into the shadows.  
  
"When he comes up the stairs Hermione, I'll stop him and you go find the Headmaster and tell him what happened."  
  
"No! I'll do that and you can tell Professor Dumbledore."  
  
''I am the Professor here.''  
  
''Which is why you should go instead of me. You're more believable.''  
  
"That's not true. I'll stay."  
  
"No, I will."  
  
"No."  
  
"No."  
  
"Shut up, he'll hear us!"  
  
The door at the top of the tower creaked open and a figure shuffled out. Hermione and Lupin both jumped at it, only to discover it was Argus Filch.  
  
"Mr. Filch? What are you doing here?" asked Hermione in a petulant voice.  
  
"What are you doing up here yourself at this time of night, missy?" demanded Filch.  
  
"Miss Granger was with me, Argus," interjected Lupin hurriedly. "We were up here, er, admiring the stars." Hermione winced. Filch gave them both funny looks. Sensing this, Lupin went on hastily. "What are you doing up here, Argus?"  
  
"I was going to clean the romantic graffiti off the walls of the tower and then kill myself because I feel miserable about being a squib. But seeing as you two are up here already I'll just go hang myself in my office." He shuffled off dejectedly. Lupin and Hermione stared after him.  
  
"Hermione!" Lupin exclaimed, "He's going to kill himself! You can go save him and I'll wait for Snape."  
  
"No way!" Hermione snapped. "If I save him I'll have to have a deep and meaningful relationship with him. I don't want a deep and meaningful relationship with Argus Filch. That's just plain disgusting." Lupin thought about this and agreed. Hermione asked, "Why don't you just go save him?"  
  
"Because I don't want to get involved with Filch! I want to get involved with Snape! Why else would I be standing around at the top of a frigging tower at ten o'clock in the bloody evening?" Hermione gave him an odd look. He quickly glanced at his watch and started. "Hermione! It's five past ten, and Snape still hasn't showed up. What's going on?"  
  
Professor Severus Snape ladled a large amount of a strange black liquid into a goblet. The liquid should have been pink goo, but as killing yourself with pink goo was not as melodramatic as killing yourself with a strange black liquid he had added food dye and a lot of water to thin it out. He hoped that doing this would have no effect on the potion.  
  
He smirked as he thought about Lupin and Hermione. They were probably standing about at the top of the Astronomy tower waiting to save him. Sending those letters had been an excellent idea. He was not going to be saved and then subjected to a beautiful relationship with his saviour, and the two who he felt posed the greatest threat were loitering at the top of a tower.  
  
As he raised the cup to his lips a figure rose up from behind his desk where it had been hiding, waiting for the dramatic moment despite the fact it would have been much easier to sort this out earlier. It knocked the glass from his hand, and the carefully prepared black liquid concoction made an equally dramatic mess on the floor.  
  
"Professor Snape, I can't let you do this to yourself. I can't let you, because if I do I will feel so guilty I will wish I had never been born. Anyway, don't we get to forgive each other, realise we never understood each other, and then possibly something passionate will happen? Please hurry up, I have go rescue Mr. Filch in a minute."  
  
And Severus Snape groaned inwardly when he realised that he had forgotten about Harry Potter. 

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